singleparent101mag.com

By Samantha Woods, www.divorcewisdom.com

Parental Alienation is an enormously emotional aspect of divorce. It is the mental manipulation of a child by one parent resulting in the estrangement of the other parent’s relationship with his or her child.

This is far more prevalent in contentious divorces as opposed to amicable ones. Both parents are usually capable of parenting and the sad fact is that parental alienation results in the child paying the heaviest price.

Look at this from your child’s point of view. Children of divorce, especially those 8-10 years of age or older, often remember that as when their childhood ended. The odds are that they will more than likely lose their home as the parents adjust to new living situations. They may change schools along with that move. They will have to forge new friendships just when they need the strength of old friends. They often see a lower standard of living as child support is inadequate and alimony is usually limited.

So what can we do as parents to help our children of divorce?

1. Be the Parent. Set the example for them. Reassure them, encourage them, provide for them, love them, and let them see your life of integrity. Remain the parent. Protect them. They are not your confidant or liaison.

2. Establish Boundaries. Help your child establish boundaries. Every parent should teach what types of permissible and non-permissible behaviors your child can expect from others and how to handle each appropriately. No one has the right to dominate any child for selfish reasons. If you see your ex-spouse emotionally hurting your child, you have as much responsibility to protect and guide your child as if it were physical pain.

3. Talk & Listen to Your Child. Using neutral examples, discuss life, their future and goals, your continued support, and their hurts. Ask them how they feel and validate their right to have feelings. Help them work through their pain or anger. They don’t have the right to lash out in unrestrained anger. Seek professional help for your child if necessary.

4. Our Responsibilities. Our goal as parents is to raise well-balanced, self-sufficient, faith-reliant adults who want us and love us but do not need us. Say nothing bad about your ex-spouse. It has been said many times but take this a step further. If your ex-spouse is truly a despicable character, your children will see it and you don’t need to say anything. Remember what Thumper’s mother told him… “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.” It is also not your responsibility to demand they love the other parent. We are each responsible for the love in our life.

If your ex-spouse is physically or emotionally abusive and your child hears you constantly proclaiming that this parent loves them or is not a bad person, they’ll grow up thinking that this must be what love really is. Or, they’ll think you’re either an idiot or a liar…because if this is love, why does it hurt so? At a minimum, their confidence in their own understandings and observations will be questioned.

If you are the alienated parent, look at your actions toward your child and make certain yours are above reproach. Do not quickly bring in new partners. Allow your child to adjust to the changes. Children of divorce typically want their parents to reunite even years after the event.

Put aside all emotions toward your ex, act professionally with them because you love your child…not with a goal to “win” this battle with your ex. Many say they’d take a bullet for their child yet withhold financial support or create conflicts that ultimately hurt their child.

We are children for about 18 years—but adults for nearly 60. Your children will see and understand the events of their lives, the divorce, the lives and integrity of their parents with the understanding of a child. But, as they grow, they will re-filter those same memories with growing maturity. Give them the freedom to ask their questions and receive age appropriate answers at each stage of growth.

What will they see in your behavior?

Copyright © 2009, Samantha Woods